Things That Sound Better Than Performing at Another Open Mic

Picture this: you stroll into a dimly lit bar on a Tuesday night, your heart is racing, and your stomach is doing backflips. You’ve convinced yourself that tonight is the night you’ll finally bring down the house with your latest five-minute set. But take one look around at the “audience” consisting of two guys arguing over a pool game and a woman trying to engage her four friends who clearly wish they were anywhere but there, and suddenly it hits you: What the hell am I doing here? If you’ve ever felt the existential dread wash over you like an ice-cold beer, welcome to the club.

In fact, I’d rather engage in just about anything else than suffer through the agonizing spectacle that is another soul-crushing open mic night. So without further ado, here’s a list of ten adventures I’d rather try than endure another one of those laughter-starved arenas.

1. Swimming with Sharks

I get it; you’re probably wondering why I’d choose to jump into a cage with creatures known for their big teeth and even bigger appetites instead of facing a crowd of dubious drunks. But hear me out: at least when you swim with sharks, you know you’ve taken a courageous step into the jaws of potential disaster—unlike those open mic nights where sometimes the only thing worse than your set is the cringe-worthy silence that follows. For starters, if a shark eats me, at least I’d go out with an exhilarating story and the satisfaction of knowing I wasn’t just another hopeful comedian bombarding an uncaring audience. Plus, they say you never forget your first time—it’ll definitely be more memorable than that time I tried to impress a room of five people with a fart joke.

2. Competing in a Hot Dog Eating Contest

Now we’re talking. Instead of facing a panel of undiscerning judges with the same blank look you might get from that bartender who’s just realized you’re ordering root beer, I’d much prefer to be stuffing my face with as many hot dogs as possible. Unlike open mic nights, where applause feels less than genuine and more like an obligation to be polite, a hot dog eating contest guarantees a mix of excitement, absurdity, and the exhilarating promise of potentially losing your lunch on stage. Plus, if you win, people will actually cheer, rather than staring blankly as if they’ve just watched paint dry. No empty laughter or awkward silences—just the sweet sound of stomachs stretching to the limits of human endurance.

3. Attending a Three-Day Tech Conference

You know the type—two rooms filled with hyper-overachievers, power Poppins, and people named Chad who can barely contain their excitement about new app developments. But let’s face it: the thrilling world of tech is probably more engaging than listening to yet another rendition of someone’s breakup story for the twentieth time. Instead of the anxiety of having your own failings judged, you can enjoy the unadulterated joy of nodding along while sipping subpar coffee and trying to remember where you left your hopes and dreams. And at least if you pitch a tech-savvy idea that flops, you can blame it on the Wi-Fi. That’s better than worrying about whether your punchline about your mother-in-law’s lasagna is going to land, right?

4. Running a Marathon

Who wouldn’t want to train tirelessly for months, feeling every muscle in their body scream in agony, only to be rewarded with a t-shirt that probably doesn’t fit? Sounds amazing! But seriously, I’d take the sweat and tears of running 26 miles over the awkwardness of an open mic any day. At least running a marathon comes with a built-in excuse for why I won’t be socializing afterward. “I just ran a marathon!” instead of “I just bombed at an open mic!” Everyone loves the person who finished a marathon—it’s practically a badge of honor. On the other hand, no one celebrates showing up at an open mic with some skit that goes down in cringe-worthy history. In a marathon, at the very least, no one’s blasting your flubbed punchlines for everyone on Twitter.

5. Watching Paint Dry

Shall I compare open mic nights to watching paint dry? Absolutely! Both experiences are equally thrilling and filled with a distinct sense of impending doom. While at least you can channel your frustration into a refreshingly naughty commentary about how boring it is, at an open mic event you’ll just be standing there, clutching a mic, pleading for a semblance of laughter. And hey, if the paint is oil-based, you can even position yourself for an elaborate meet-cute with the painter afterward. Take that, unfunny set!

6. Playing Monopoly with My Family

Nothing says quality family time like Monopoly—the board game that turns loving relatives into fierce adversaries quicker than you can say “bankrupt.” Why this is better than an open mic? Simple: the stakes are clear. You walk into that family gathering knowing you might lose your sanity over Monopoly, but at least you can throw a tantrum over the board game without the humiliation of bad comedy. Plus, who needs hecklers when you have Aunt Carol screeching that it’s time to “speed up your play”? If you’re lucky, you might even win and leave the family reunion as a hero—or at least with a portion of your dignity intact.

7. Attempting to Understand Quantum Physics

If I’m going to struggle through something incomprehensible and painful, I’d much rather tackle the complexities of quantum physics than listen to someone recite ancient dad jokes for five minutes. At least my confusion will be understood by scientists all around—no one is going to give you a pity clap for understanding the concept of Schrödinger’s cat better than the nuances of your latest breakup! Plus, with quantum physics, the audience remains outside of my reality—I can conveniently forget the awkward silence! Wouldn’t that be nice?

8. Living in a Bubble for a Week

Call it extreme isolation or social detox—I’m talking about a literal bubble, cut off from outside contact where I can binge-watch shows to my heart’s content without ever worrying about audience reactions. No “should I use this joke?” paralysis happening here! Just pure bliss and potentially lots of questionable choices regarding what to eat while hibernating in my bubble fortress. The only judgment I’ll experience is from my own guilty conscience for that fifth bag of chips. Who wouldn’t choose that over the acute embarrassment of a bombed open mic?

9. Learning to Tap Dance

Okay, so maybe this isn’t a traditionally dangerous idea, but hear me out: tap dancing combines rhythm and finesse. Even if I completely butcher the steps (which is highly likely), I’d likely leave the audience in fits of laughter—much more than I can say for an open mic where I try to crudely imitate life as a burrito wrapped in existential anxiety. Not to mention, if I ever drop the tap shoes, at least I’ll have a new defense mechanism to blame my mishaps on! “Sorry, folks, my shoes just weren’t tapping for me tonight!”

10. Watching Cats on the Internet

If all else fails, there’s nothing like enjoying the endless content gold mine of cute felines doing ridiculous stunts. As if I needed any more evidence of how far a single viral cat video can go, it turns out that felines can bring more joy than most of my open mic nightmare experiences combined. Why work with dubious material when I can watch Mr. Whiskers ridicule physics and perhaps learn how to master the perfect punchline instead? If one fluffy little goof can inspire millions, surely there’s a way for me to leverage that energy into high-caliber comedy content that doesn’t end in awkward silences. Can I get an “Amen”?

Conclusion

So there you have it—a list of ten activities to spice up your life and keep you far, far away from those nerve-racking open mic nights. Whether it’s swimming with sharks or watching cats dominate the internet, life is simply too precious to waste on that particular brand of self-inflicted mental anguish. Next time you feel the urge to grab that mic and plead for laughter, just remember: adventure awaits, and it might even come with fewer awkward pauses! Now, excuse me while I plot my escape from the world of open mics and consider taking up extreme gardening instead. At least with plants, you never have to face uncertain reactions or concern over whether they’ll like your latest joke about soil quality!