Mistakes I’ll Never Make in a Comedy Club Again (Because I’m Done Performing)

Comedy is a delicate dance of laughter and cringes. Unfortunately, I’ve stepped on my own toes so many times that I’m now starting to look like an uncoordinated toddler attempting a pirouette in front of a shocked audience. You might think that doing stand-up comedy would be an elegant waltz, but really, it’s more of a chaotic free-for-all where the only one guaranteed to fall flat is you. Trust me; I’ve been there. Here’s a rundown of the 13 comedy club lessons I learned the hard way—oh so painfully hard—and why you won’t see me gracing a stage anytime soon.

1. Don’t Open with Your Worst Material

Picture this: you saunter onto the stage, ready to unleash a magnetic opening joke you’ve been crafting for what feels like eons. But what do you do? Instead, you blurt out your worst line, a joke so flat it could be used as a bad table in a sitcom set. Some natives from “the audience” actually started looking through their favorite apps, wondering if they could find a better joke on TikTok. Pro tip: your first line should set the tone, not make your audience question their life choices. If they’re already planning their escape three seconds in, you’ll likely have the chance to audition for the next “America’s Got No Talent.”

2. Reading the Room is Not Just a Suggestion

Imagine you’re making jokes about how cats are superior to dogs—because, let’s face it, they are—and your audience is a group of dog lovers on a night out. Bad idea, right? Know your audience! When you spill your dagger-like humor all over the stage, you’ve got to pay attention to their reactions. If they’re staring at you like you’ve just recited Shakespeare in cat language, it’s time to pivot! When they start yawning, you might as well wave goodbye to every dream you had of making them laugh.

3. Don’t Crowd Work Unless You’re Ready to Get Crowded

Crowd work might look simple when seasoned pros do it, right? But let me tell you, crowd work is like playing dodgeball with grenades. The risk? High. The reward? Usually not worth the potential emotional scars. I once asked a gentleman about his job and he just replied, “I’m a dentist,” leaving me scrambling for witty material to avoid being hypothetically punched in the mouth by a crowd member whose teeth I’d just insulted. Focus on your material, then remind yourself that this isn’t “Survivor,” and there’s no immunity idol waiting for you here!

4. Leave Your Drama (and Ex-Mates) at Home

Look, we all have stories about our exes that could fill a novel… or a particularly scathing sitcom. But, unless your open mic night has a dedicated segment for the pathetic tales of love gone wrong, spare your audience the angst. It’s not the “whine and cheese” party they signed up for—unless, of course, they actually do want to hear your saga of misery. Spoiler alert: they don’t. When life gives you lemons, make a hilarious cocktail instead.

5. Prop Jokes Need to Come with a Warning Label

If you ever decide to include props in your act, take it from me: it’s a slippery slope. After rummaging through a thrift store for a sign that says “World’s Best Sandwich,” I realized too late that my thumbs are the equivalent of arthritic sloths when I try to hold two things at once. I ended up dropping the sign so loudly that half the audience jumped in their seats, and my abysmal joke about sandwiches was drowned out by collective gasp of horror. I promise you, no one wants to see a comedian get assaulted by an inanimate object live on stage.

6. Timing is Everything, Except When You Forget Your Punchline

You know what’s worse than telling a joke that bombs? Forgetting the punchline entirely. I once experienced the dread of standing on stage, looking at a sea of blank faces while my brain short-circuited like a cheap microwave. I mean, sure, faking it is an art form, but when you totally lose your train of thought—“Did I leave the oven on?”—you’re probably better off swooping in for a quick exit, dramatic enough to warrant a standing ovation (for finally leaving).

7. Know the Limits of Your Brand of Humor

As a comedic genius in my own mind, I thought anything with a dad joke attached would work for any audience—including the crowd at a bar full of bachelor party-goers. I quickly discovered they did not heed my witty commentary about the nutritional viability of cereal. The only thing worse than a dad joke is going into dad-hood armed with the knowledge that you’ve just alienated that group. Sorry, not sorry, but nobody asked for a comedy lesson, and you definitely do not want the crowd chanting “DO NOT TRY AGAIN!”

8. Avoid Political Commentary if You’re Not Prepared for a Fight

Politics can be a slippery slope in humor. Sure, comedians like to touch on tight-rope topics, but I learned the hard way when I made a quip about the local mayor. The look on one audience member’s face said it all. You’d think I’d called their grandmother a lizard. I mean, wow! The heated looks and the very real chance someone might throw a drink at me washed away any levity that was previously in the air. So, unless you’re prepared to defend your life choices with a podium, stick to the weather.

9. Remember That Not Everyone Loves Your Friend

We’ve all got that one friend who insists they’re hilarious and just *has* to be the punchline for your next bit. Newsflash: They’re probably just a punch—an inanimate object, vulnerable and unqualified to walk the stages alongside you. I learned the hard way that invoking their name does not guarantee laughs; instead, it often leaves the audience more confused than amused. It’s not a cameo appearance if your friend is about as funny as burnt toast. Save the inside jokes for your weekend brunch!

10. Don’t Talk Over the Sound System

Ah, the joys of too many karaoke nights battling over the mic—what a blast! But I’ve learned that if you can’t hear yourself, then 50% of your audience can’t either. During one performance, I strutted out with all the confidence, only to be interrupted by a booming soundtrack that drowned out my material. Not the karaoke party these kind folks signed up for! So, if you ever find yourself competing for sound space, you might as well start rapping battle with a DJ instead.

11. Every City Has Its Own Humor

Ever try to make New Yorkers laugh with a joke meant for small-town folks? It’s like trying to mix oil and water—or like offering pizza to a vegan. Each city has its own heartbeat, its own rhythm of humor. I naively attempted to bring in touchy-feely humor to a crowd more suited for roast battles. Cue the silence! The awkwardness was palpable as folks stared at me as if I’d just suggested using both feet for salsa dancing. Fail! Do your research, my friend; no one wants to hear a flat-footed fool!

12. No One is Here for Your “Self-Love” Journey

Self-love is important. I get it! We should all see the importance of celebrating the wondrous world of self-appreciation. But in a comedy setting? Or on stage? Nope! You’ll follow the astonishingly painful trend of turning your therapy sessions into an emotional stand-up show. If you wanted to unload on your self-pity, the couch works far better, without any judgment from drunk folks in the audience wondering how they can escape. Save your vulnerabilities for private time—for when you desperately need a comforting bowl of ice cream!

13. Always Have Backup Jokes

Last but not least—seriously, don’t forget backup material! Because let’s admit it, you might need it. I once optimistically stepped into a show with a five-dollar bill for emergency coffee, a sketch about a cat in a hat that went worse than I could’ve predicted, and a website subscription for laughter today. After the first bomb went off, I wished I’d brought a treasure trove of jokes buried deep in my back pocket. The only reason I left the stage in one piece was that I literally ran away! Go figure!

Conclusion

Comedy is that glorious art form that can bring out the best in us while simultaneously laying bare just how awkward we can be. I may never get the chance to grace the stage again, and to be honest, maybe some invaluable lessons came from my not-so-glamorous mishaps. Who knew what looked so easy actually involved dodging projectiles thrown my way by offended audience members? Rather than sulking in my inability to tickle funny bones, I think I’ll embrace my new reality of watching comedy from the comfort of my couch—while several feet away from anyone who risks turning my life into viral content! After all, I can enjoy the hilarious smells of coffee brewing nearby, which beats getting half-hearted giggles from a rowdy back row of disgruntled dog owners any day!