The Nightmare Comedy Mentors You’ll Encounter at Every Workshop

So, you’ve decided to take the bold plunge into the world of stand-up comedy. Congratulations! You’re officially one bad pun away from becoming the next big thing or…well, let’s be honest, more likely the punchline of a very niche joke. As you gear up for your first comedy workshop, you might be expecting a seasoned comic to swoop in and guide you toward greatness. Instead, what you’ll probably encounter are a few comedy mentors you’ll wish you didn’t meet. Here’s a rundown of the seven unforgettable comedy mentors who will make you question your life choices, regrettably imprinting themselves in your comedy journey.

1. The “You’re Not Funny” Guy

This is the comedy mentor who believes in tough love. Unfortunately, their version of “love” is akin to getting kicked in the shins every time you tell a joke. They present constructive criticism with the subtlety of a hippo in a tutu. “You know, your set is like a soufflé that never rose,” they’ll say, leaving you wondering if you should be creating jokes or just tossing your dreams into the nearest dumpster. You might take a look at the mentors’ own stand-up routine and realize that they have about as much charm as a wet newspaper. But alas, they’ve somehow been designated as the gatekeepers of the comedy kingdom.

Over time, you’ll develop a thick skin; if you can survive their observations, you’ll be ready for anything! Well, almost anything—except maybe a comedy club close to their house. Avoid at all costs!

2. The Overly Enthusiastic Newbie

Then there’s the mentor who recently finished their own workshop and suddenly fancies themselves the coach of the century. This is a person who might have bombed gloriously in their last performance but now has one great bit they’ll trot out every single session. “Have you guys heard about this thing called comedy? It’s like, laughter and stuff! Seriously, who thought of that?” Exclamation points are their main form of punctuation, and their energy is such that a caffeine overdose feels like a nap in comparison.

While their enthusiasm might be contagious, it’s equally a reminder that comedy is subjective and sometimes best experienced with the volume turned way down. This mentor will have you dreading open mics, simply because you know a second dose of their awkward enthusiasm is coming your way. If nothing else, the annoyance will push you to hone your humor faster than you can say “open mic night.”

3. The So-Called “Expert” with the Outdated Jokes

This mentor will wear you down with stories from “the good old days” of comedy when men wore suits and women were frequently heckled off-stage. They’ll impart their wisdom with a fervor that suggests they’ve never once Googled the concept of modern-day humor. “In the 90s, we didn’t need political correctness! We didn’t care if people were offended,” they’ll say, delivering a punchline that would land about as well as a lead balloon.

The biggest issue isn’t just their out-of-style jokes—it’s that they genuinely think they’re providing revolutionary advice. “Your punchlines are great, but have you ever tried a solid “Knock Knock” joke?” They’ll recommend using outdated references, hoping you’ll secure spots in rickety community theaters with folding chairs and a bar serving lukewarm beer. You’ll want to shout “This isn’t distinguished gentlemen’s night at the bingo hall!” as you nod politely, plotting your escape.

4. The Never-Ending Storyteller

We all have that one friend who tells the story of how they met the guy who did a thing once. Multiply that by ten and you’ll find yourself in the warm embrace of the Never-Ending Storyteller mentor. You’ll quickly find out that their anecdotes are longer than a George R.R. Martin novel, filled with unsolicited advice about their ex-wife or the trombone player they once met at a gas station.

Clearly, they believe that every hilarious story requires profuse details to follow, like watching paint dry with flushed cheeks. You’ll spend an eternity standing and nodding, as the clock ticks, listening to side quests of their life that could easily be condensed into one improv session. By the end of the workshop, you’ll wonder if they even remember what comedy is and wonder how you can subtly hint for them to just “get to the punchline already?”

5. The King/Queen of Cringe

Ever met someone whose sense of humor should come with a health warning? Enter the King or Queen of Cringe. This mentor believes that the key to gold is in delivering punchlines so indecipherable, they leave audiences confused rather than chuckling or guffawing. Jokes that have you re-evaluating your life choices are their forte—think, “What’s the deal with microwave meals? They’re just fancy puddles of despair!”

They’ll encourage you to push the boundaries of self-deprecation and awkwardness, citing examples of comics who bombed creatively. You’ll be left scratching your head, pondering how every one of their jokes ends with awkward silence and tumbleweeds scurrying past. Real comedy is an art, and these mentors seem to have painted with a brush covered in spaghetti sauce.

6. The “I’ll Fix You” Mentor

This mentor is equal parts therapist and comedy enthusiast. They fancy themselves as personal trainers for your soul, spending their workshops dissecting your psyche like a social scientist. Instead of honing in on your comedic timing or delivery, they’re more interested in figuring out why you make jokes about your cat’s behavioral issues. “Tell me more about your relationship with Mr. Fluffypaws,” they might chime, simultaneously morphing into Dr. Phil and the world’s least qualified workshop leader.

While it seems noble, the real kicker is that they often infuse their own issues into your sets, leading you down a rabbit hole that leaves everyone in therapy. You’ll walk out of the workshop questioning who’s really being mentored here—you, or their unresolved issues with their ex-partner’s pet iguana?

7. The “Been There, Done That” Mentor

Finally, let’s not forget the “Been There, Done That” mentor who’s still clinging to their comedic successes like they’re a life raft. This individual will tell you all about their former accolades that seem to fade with each retelling; you’d think they were once a headliner traveling with legends like Bob Hope. “Sure, I opened for Jerry Seinfeld, but he was late, and I was just on the wrong stage,” they’ll fib, showcasing their vast array of fictional accomplishments with pride.

In some weird twist of fate, you’ll find that they often fail to see how every disdainful look you give them is simply a sign you’re trying not to roll your eyes out of your head. The real lesson is, instead of showing you how to craft a good act, they show you how to come up with a good story about how you were merely seconds away from stealing the spotlight from a much more famous comedian.

How to Survive Comedy Mentorship 101

So, now that we’ve taken a comedy tour through each terrorizing mentor archetype, let’s talk survival. Here are some golden nuggets of wisdom to help thicken your skin while navigating through the oddities of comedy workshops:

• **Find Humor in the Pain**: Every laugh—and tear—is material. Use these experiences to craft hilarious anecdotes for future sets.
• **Meet Your Tribe**: Identify fellow workshop rebels and share solidarity as you collectively ponder the grapefruit-like nature of your mentors.
• **Use Comedy as a Shield**: When no advice matters, just throw the proverbial banana peel—if a mentor grates your charm, kick it to the curb with a joke about bad advice.
• **Be Honest with Yourself**: Comedy is about failing and learning—and sometimes heartbreakingly strange advice. Own your mistakes, and remember, those who can laugh at themselves can face the cringe with ease.

In the end, comedy workshops might bring together a cast of characters that can resemble a comedy horror movie. Finding yourself in the company of the seven nightmare mentors gives you excellent material to work with, turning every harrowing experience into a hilarious tale of survival in the stand-up world. Keep your chin up, wield your sharpened sense of humor like a shield, and above all else, remember that laughter is a universal language—even when the lessons you learn feel lost in translation.

As you venture forth into the wild world of comedy, just remember: eventually, you’ll chuckle at all the junk advice you received along the way. At the bare minimum, every interaction helps prepare you for what comes—because if you can survive a comedy workshop, you can handle anything life throws your way! Or at least your cat’s behavioral issues.