Comedians You Should and Will Know, Goddamnit, Because The Algorithm Will Force You To

It’s 2026, and the comedy boom, as we all knew it, is over. Netflix is paying comics to pay for their own specials, and then releasing those specials every week to dwindling applause or appeal. A link to a YouTube Special is being tossed proudly across a table in Los Angeles right now, like Patrick Bateman’s business card in American Psycho- only to be challenged by another. Hustle Culture is over, but going analog is not an option, as we are all now unpaid employees of Big Tech.

Our last and only choice is to betray the longing of our collective soul for Something Real. To lean into the consequences of our collective addiction and to enjoy what’s left of the high, as we all bend over forcibly laughing like ventriloquist dummies begging Zuckerberg for a hand up our ass. The natural result of this cultural bargain of course, is for artists to appease the famously inhuman algorithm, which favors art previously best suited for backyard weddings.

So, here’s a list of comedians whose comedy means nothing at all. Everyone on this list is destined for fame- aside from the women over 30. That would take either a miracle, or a VERY silly accent.

One thing we can guarantee, though: whatever’s flowing out of these comics’ mouths is dripping with so much nothing you’ll barely be able to tell they’re not A.I.

…And that’s GOOD! Do you fucking hear me? That’s A GOOD THING.

Alana Horseface

Having recently left the mormon church to fuck your husband, Alana’s act is more of an impression of standup comedy on a 90’s sitcom, with miraculously less depth. “I’m so awkward!” she’ll quip, like an insatiable whore pretending it’s her first time. A background actor God has placed here to be ignored, Alana’s inner light shines so dimly you could mistake her for a gay man’s apartment. You may recognize her from her crowd work clips about “What’s Your Favorite Color?” Her comedy presents as standup, in that she is standing. Her droning lack of perspective is loud enough to drown out the complexity of your own inner demons as you relax into the Total Boredom Of Her. Most of her fans are men, because she holds up the opposite of a mirror to them. Rather, her total lack of confidence, substance or knowledge serves as a black hole for their shortcomings, as her sole purpose is to excuse those in exchange for their approval.

Racist Guy But-Sorry-Now

Racist Guy wants you to know that he was never racist. He was mis-labeled as such, after hanging out with them and then ultimately being invited to play ONE game of golf with Trump. So, yeah, he accidentally hung out with and was friends with a whole bunch of bigots, but only because he didn’t know they were bigots. Yeah they said stuff about Black people and Latin people and Asian people too- almost exclusively on his podcast. Butbutbut “the podcast has a TON of listeners who are all kinds of colors and all that stuff,” he says, “and they thought it was funny, obviously!” Besides, his racist friends never said that stuff to HIM, so he didn’t know. He never really put it together that he’s white before now. Because to him, “Everybody is black and woman.” Anyway, he’s sorry now. He voted for Mamdani. Are we good? JESUS Christ. Quit making him feel bad for all those things he did!

Ned, Joe, Matt or Bob

This sounds like I am cheating to include four different male comics, but in fact, they are the same. Technically these men scan as attractive. They also scan as talented. Often referred to as “joke machines,” what they lack in depth or personality they make up for in output. If you ever read the jokes on a popsicle stick and felt like something was missing, it was any one of these guys’ faces. They get pussy on a level you would not believe. They are born insanely rich. In fact their wealth makes up for how little they reveal of themselves, because to know how much their apartment is worth would wipe that fucking smile off your face forever.

Boxy Foxy

Boxy Foxy has attitude, but that’s about it. Boxy gets onstage and tells it like it is, as long as “it” is the most superficial thing your eyes could possibly grab a hold of. Do you have bangs? Well you better believe Boxy is gonna point to them and talk about your breakup. “You know the breakup was bad if you gotta install eyeball curtains, girlfriend!” Boxy identifies as they/them, and is married to their ethically non-monogamous polycule. If you got a problem with that, you can talk to their TALLEST husband. He’s 6’5”, ok? Boxy is sober-curious and addicted to Xanax. To find them on socials, look up @ImThatBichNormalizeBigPharma on TikTok. They are literally sooo fun. They also talk about politics sometimes, by sharing memes on their stories.

Manic Character Lady

You probably recognize this woman not from the shape of her head, which is constantly shifting under a different wig; but from her living room, and the loud sighs of her boyfriend, who is “just trying to finish law school.” Her characters have gone wildly viral, like “Lady Blew Her Hip Out At Disney” although you can see the sadness in her eyes when she utters the catch phrase “There goes my Class Pass!” In a way, she is the only artist on this list, as you can tell she began this journey just wanting to have some fun, and her success has wiped all traces of fun out of her life., leaving her wanting more. She supports her boyfriend financially, but he lets her cheat. Her merch is to DIE for.

Guy Mantis

This comic is almost always shaped like a praying mantis. Easily spotted in a crowd, his head is an upside-down soft triangle. His body fat percentage is .00005% and he is built like a male ballerina with less upper body strength. Gay enough to be marketable to both sides, his collarbones are as sharp as his social criticisms- which are entirely focused on other comedians. It’s an interesting lane to choose, creatively- chasing the clout of comics you hate. But— to an algorithm, and to humans who would follow that algorithm to their death, dunking on an account with higher numbers than yours is easily mistaken for bravery. Ultimately, if the world burned down today and AI was all that was left, that A.I. would see this comedians work, and laugh at how we all fell for it.

These comics are the future of comedy— not because we’ve decided that. Because the computer decided that for us, because we let it!

See them all live at Madison Square Garden, except the women over 30. …Seriously, you need to let that go.