New Dating App Matches Women With Men Who Have Also Been Told to “Work on Themselves”

With 90% of ALL Americans now identifying as “hetero-pessimist,” Big Tech has come to the rescue with a new dating app promising to match people who have recently been told they “Really need to start working on themselves.”

The app, InnerMe, claims its algorithm goes deeper than conventional compatibility metrics like interests, values, or whether two people both enjoy traveling. Instead, it matches users according to the specific emotional problems they have been vaguely or explicitly told to address before entering another relationship.

The app requires users to identify the areas they are currently “working on,” including communication, boundaries, vulnerability, accountability, attachment styles, and matches you with someone whose personal growth journey is theoretically complementary.

This way, both users can end their journey of personal growth, zone out, and just live their lives, like bugs!

One user, Sarah, 34, is working on “not over-functioning in relationships.” She has historically dated men who treat basic life tasks like a group assignment. Her match, Jake, 37, is a paraplegic. After meeting on Inner Me, the couple have said that being together for the past three months “feels more like five years.”

Ryan, 29, is working on “setting boundaries.” His match Emily, 31, is a convicted stalker. Needless to say, they are enjoying the natural push and pull that comes from living together without having agreed to do so.

Lauren, 42, is working on “choosing emotionally unavailable men.” She has been paired with Matt, 44, who recently died. The app has labeled this pairing as “Experimental.” Lauren says she has never been so in love in her life.

The company insists that Inner Me is not designed to suggest that people must be perfectly healed before dating. Rather, it’s CEO Jane Morrison has suggested otherwise.

“Everyone is a work in progress,” Morrison said. “But some of us don’t want to work anymore. So we find someone who’s willing to accept us for less, and we settle down and get worse - but we get worse together.”

Early users have reported mixed but enthusiastic results.

InnerMe is currently developing a premium feature called “Ready for a Relationship,” which will only match users with people who have actually completed the work they claimed they were doing. The company expects that feature to launch sometime around 2037.