How to Destroy Your Comedy Career in 10 Simple and Inept Moves

Have you ever watched a comedian bomb so hard that you were convinced they were performing in the wrong timezone? You know, the ones who leave the audience not laughing but rather contemplating their life choices? If you’re here, you might be looking for a guide on how to completely sabotage your comedy career, and I assure you, you’ve stumbled into the right place!

Some people accumulate success through careful planning. Others, though, are masters of chaos—like the guy who thinks “hell yeah I’ll put my entire set on Facebook Live” right before his mom interrupts to ask if he took out the trash. Buckle up as we dive headfirst into the ten foolproof steps that will not only ruin your comedy career but also provide endless entertainment for everyone else around you.

1. Avoid Networking Like It’s Contagious

Networking is for those who can’t fully embrace social awkwardness. If you truly want to sink your comedy career, avoid comedians, writers, and industry folks at all costs! After all, who needs connections in a field where everyone is basically vying to tell jokes that you can easily find in a fortune cookie? Just stick to your mom, she’ll definitely understand your “unique” brand of humor.

2. Experiment with the Most Offensive Jokes Possible

Why tread carefully through the vast sea of comedy when you can jump in with a cannonball? Offensive humor is practically a rite of passage. Misjudge who your audience is, and by all means, don’t consider context—isn’t the best way to delight an audience telling them a joke about their worst fears and traumas? Bonus points if you tell it with a grin! If they don’t laugh, at least you’ll find out who your real friends are when you get booed off stage…

3. Rely Solely on COVID-Themed Material

Have you thought to yourself, “Hey, folks, nothing brings people together faster than a global pandemic”? If you want to ensure the cringiest comedy career possible, then absolutely lean into the pandemic jokes. Dust off that old material about toilet paper shortages and mask fashion trends. It’s all relevant, right? Just be cautious of the few audience members who may have lost someone during that time; they tend to not appreciate a punchline based on their personal grief. Who knew?

4. Abruptly Change Your Persona at Every Gig

Are you the quirky observational comic who accidentally finds themselves on stage dressed as a clown? Why not throw your audience a curveball by performing a serious political act on Wednesday and then showing up again as a mime on Saturday? Your audience’s utter confusion will be the highlight of your Facebook page! Just remember, nothing screams “professional” like mismatched personas. Your requests for feedback will go unanswered, but hey, at least you’ll have memorable stories!

5. Forget About Timing (and Everything Else)

Timing is overrated! The audience doesn’t need a punchline that hits at just the right moment. They want to hear the dramatic flair of a long, drawn-out story that leads nowhere! Make sure to insert tangents about your cat on page nine of your screenplay. If they can sit through your rambling, they’ll either laugh or question their life choices on the way home. Either way, your delivery will be the talk of the town…or it won’t. Who knows? Timing doesn’t matter!

6. Skip Rehearsals and Write Everything on Stage

Perfect practice makes perfect! Oh, wait. That’s not how it goes. The real gold lies in rolling up to a gig with zero preparation. Toss your set list aside and instead, trust your “artistic instincts.” Your impulsive storytelling skills and unwavering confidence will surely be the secret sauce for your career-ending disaster. Besides, who needs to refine their material when they can simply wing it? The audience will love the unfiltered version of “The Blob That Forgot What It Was Doing.”

7. Mix Genres Like a Mad Scientist

You’ve heard of musical comedies and dramatic comedies, but when it comes to destroying your career, why not whip up a magical blend of everything? Be the first comedian to mesh the musical with existential dread! Throw in accents from six different countries and miscellaneous cooking tips during your set. Just make sure to intersperse your dialogue with the sound of air horns; nothing says “laugh” like confusion and bewilderment.

8. Ignore Audience Feedback Completely

If someone had the audacity to shake their head during your set, thank them for their unsolicited negativity and keep plowing forward—this is the quality of your comedy! You didn’t hire feedback as your co-pilot, so listen only to the echoes of your own self-delusion. The art of inefficient communication is what truly makes a great comedian. Audience members have opinions? Ha! They can never understand your vision. Or your questionable punchlines.

9. Make It All About You (And Never About Them)

Contrary to what you may have heard, comedy is not about making connections or understanding the audience! It’s primarily about your struggle. We can all relate to that time your dog decided to chew up your favorite slippers, right? Make sure every joke is laced with your complaints, doubts, and mundane details. Your audience is basically family, so they should just rejoice in your autobiography masquerading as a stand-up set!

10. Bomb More Than You Shine

Finally, the icing on this career-ending cake: bomb your sets. Each time you walk on stage is an opportunity to catastrophically underperform. Embrace that awkward laughter and cringeworthy silence as characters in your own comedic saga! This method might not sound appealing, but remember, every failed performance is a lesson in learning how to avoid quitting. You’ll be the comedian who keeps on trying, even if it’s at the expense of basic social interactions!

Conclusion

So, if you’re aiming to ruin your comedy career in the most entertaining way possible, follow these steps to the letter and chairs might just be flying by the end of your first set. Remember, the world is your stage, and ignorance is bliss! The laughs will be plentiful, but mainly from the audience watching your career imploding like a balloon in a porcupine convention. Just be sure to keep this in mind: if you’re failing in comedy, at least you’re doing it with style!